Epitaph for a Dildo

“A moment in our hands, a lifetime in our hearts.”

              — Ancient Chinese dildo proverb


I was gingerly picking through my hamper when I found it, lying on its side all alone at the bottom. There were several mouse turds scattered around its head and a yellow stain of dried urine on the fabric by its side.

I stood looking down at the scene stunned, and in a state of disbelief. How had this happened? How could I have forgotten it here and put it at such risk? We had been together for more than fifteen years and I was going to lose it this way? Dammit! But there was nothing I could do to save it now. That much I knew. My poor pink dildo was going to have to be unceremoniously buried in the recycling bin.

During a move earlier this year, I had stashed my dildo in the bottom of my clothes hamper, under some bed sheets. The spot had been chosen on the fly, in a last-ditch effort to spare the college boys schlepping my stuff any knowledge that mom-aged women masturbate. I had forgotten I had done this, and tragedy ensued.

The hamper had been relegated to the garage in the new place just long enough for a mouse to discover the flannel sheets and shit all over them. My poor pink dildo lay below with no way to protect itself from the onslaught of urine and feces from above.

By the time I discovered all this I didn’t have the courage to save the sheets or the dildo. My vibrating friend may have been a gift from my uncle, but no one with an ounce of self-respect is going to masturbate with anything that has come in contact with mouse turds. Life has rules. There just isn’t enough bleach—or libido-induced desperation—to come back from that.
We had been through a lot of batteries together. I was so sorry things had turned out this way.

poor pink dildoOver the years, I had come to love my dildo for three basic principles: it was pink, it was reliable, and it was there.

Even if you had never met my dildo, you might easily discover how much I like the color pink. It is in fact my favorite color. Neon pink with glitter isn’t necessarily the ticket for me being that I am not a Rainbow Brite doll or a cabaret star in a gay club, but it still worked. I am of the mind that a little glitter and flare in the bedroom never hurt anyone.

My dildo was intrepid and down-to-earth. It almost always had something to give. I rarely had to abandon anything we planned together to go dig up fresh batteries. When things we’re winding down to fresh battery time, it would gently let me know by lacking a bit of joie de vivre on the higher end of the dial, but I was never fully abandoned. That was really nice of my dildo. I also appreciated its simplicity. Turn the red dial for increasing levels of vibration. Done. Shaped and veined like an average North American dick. Done.

I was once gifted this sleek, high-class lavender dildo. It was a real beauty and it made me feel like a dummy. It had a control console, beaded independently gyrating mid-section, and girthy user’s guide. I was dating way out of my league with that one. I never could build up enough confidence to go to bed with it. Instead, I popped it back into the original packaging and paid it forward by donating it to the Goodwill. I hope it found a new home with someone who was able to really appreciate all of its bells and whistles.

You gotta love the one you’re with. I was a twenty-something when my dildo and I found each other. I was thrust suddenly into the relationship on the filthy steerage care of an Amtrak train. It all happened very suddenly. No words. I had no say in the matter. I thought I was opening a benign travel gift from a relative and next thing I—and the 86-year-old widow sitting next to me—know is that I was ushered into the adult responsibility of sex toy ownership.

I am sure I was convinced at first that I was throwing the thing away as soon as I could. Next stop, dumpster! But somewhere along the way, I just didn’t. I don’t remember my rationale anymore. I know time can make us humans pretty damn complacent with shit we thought we would never stand for. After a while, you get used to things, even pink garish glittery vibrating things that your uncle gave you. Doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Already had a maiden voyage set of batteries in it. Was in a plastic sheath. Looked new. I was all alone. No one would know (unless I blabbed about it on a blog years later)…why not?

And now, after years of asking myself, “Why not?” I was in the garage preparing to say goodbye. I don’t know if loss is any easier when we have a chance to prepare, but I do know that the suddenness of it all sucked. But I did what I had to do. My dildo deserved that much. I picked up my pal. No more mouse turds, no more smothering bedding stifling its style. Time to cross over, rest, maybe find a new companion, someone with seriously low standards and high “Eww!” tolerance factor.

I felt gratitude for our time together and a sadness that it was all over. I also felt a bit of nervousness that someone was going to come up the road as I was making my funeral procession to the recycling bin. This was a private and solemn time. I didn’t want to end up having to wave to anyone with my hands and heart so full.

And when time has healed me and hormones have sufficiently motivated me, I am going to have to go through the work of finding a new dildo. Life gives us no guarantees. There will be no way to know if I would find another as well suited for me as the one I have bid farewell. Then again, perhaps my dildo knew it was time to cross over and leave me to a new toy and it had all worked as it needed to.

Rest in peace, dear friend. May you find fresh batteries and warm hands on the other side.

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