Folgers Makes Me Kinda Want to Bang My Brother


The response I got back from Sal after wishing him a happy birthday on November 15th, 2011

There’s a Folgers coffee commercial where a brother comes home from a long absence spent in Africa and his sister answers the door. He makes a funny about having the wrong house because sister looks so grown up. The two pause at the threshold for excited smiles and a big hug, before heading into the kitchen. It’s very early in the morning when brother makes it home, and mom and dad are still asleep, so it’s just the two of them in the kitchen while the coffee is brewing. Brother hands sister a present wrapped with a bow on top. Sister plucks the bow from the box and sticks it to brother’s shoulder. He gives her a quizzical look, and she tells him, with a tender smile on her face, that he is her gift this year. Then time stands still for one intense moment, as brother and sister look into each other’s eyes. Before brother has a chance to take sister’s face in his hands and kiss her with all the pent up passion brewing between them, their meddling parents barge in for the coffee, thoroughly cockblocking him. They ruin the whole moment, and we get cut to regularly scheduled programming.

Folgers shines a brave light on an intriguing concept. Perhaps one really doesn’t have to look all that far for their soul mate. Maybe the people we are best matched for, are the other people our parents had to raise. Makes me wonder what it would be like to date my brother. Sal has a lot of the qualities I look for in a guy.

He’s one of the funniest people I know. We laugh together all the time. He tells great stories. He has near perfect comedic timing and a kick ass skill set when it comes to inserting movie lines into a conversation. It’s adds a level of humor you just don’t always get from independent thoughts.

He is taller than me, which I like. At six foot, I could even get away with heels and not have to worry about topping him. I think dating a shorter brother would be just plain awkward. The kissing alone. Aside from Snow White, (who, let’s face it, is just plain odd anyway), you don’t often see women bending over to kiss men.

Another thing I dig with my brother is our extensive social overlap. I find this to be a big advantage. All that awkward getting to know you stuff that one has to do for the friends and family of a new partner would be mostly nonexistent for us. No disapproving in-laws to have to try and win over! Telling the story of how you met your beloved can get tiring pretty quick too, but I’m guessing no one is ever going to weary of hearing the story of how you came to fall for your bro. We also prickle and pout about all the same family members which makes things so much easier than separate shitlists.

Like most healthy couples, Sal and I have a lot in common lifestyle wise and we compliment each other quite nicely. We both enjoy rural living. I like his horses and he doesn’t hate my chickens. Our dogs haven’t killed each other, and everybody respects the cat. He knows how to fix stuff, I know how to fuck stuff up, and we both know how to cook.

Sal is a man of conviction, which I value. He has a strong sense of right and wrong and he doesn’t believe in compromising his ideals. He also has a big generous heart.

Of course, nothing is truly ever a black and white issue, and one must not forget that when considering dating a sibling. Sal has many habits and attitudes that I find so maddening, I kind of want to shoot myself in the face to get away from him. Isn’t that the solid balance of love and repulsion any great relationship should be based upon?

Ultimately though, I decided against going after Sal. In hindsight, it was pretty obvious all along. Sal lives far away. Neither one of us has ever put much faith in long distance relationships. It would never work. Back to the drawing board.